Lessons in Leaving Part II: Coming Full Circle

My last semester in Austin was by far the best one. It was a season of rest, a season of healing, a season of celebration, and all around a season of delight for me. Most of all, it was a season to come full circle.

I say full circle because I had a lot to learn in my short time in Austin over the last four years. I came into UT with one foot in the world, and one foot trying to figure out this “faith” thing. My freshmen year is nothing short of a bad reality TV show for me to look back on, as I think most of ours tend to be. Then there was the spring semester where my world got rocked by Jesus, the book of Acts, and Shane Claiborne. Sophomore year was definitely my “feisty” phase, where I felt like I had brought back to Austin some spiritual golden ticket. I laugh when I look back on that time, how blunt I was in trying to talk to anyone who would listen to me about this idea of putting college students in East Austin. I laugh because I don’t like being that forthcoming about anything, but somehow I was talking off anyone’s ear that would lend it to me. What I had in that time, and for pretty much the next two years, was a lot of passion, vigor, and fight…but not a foundation. I always tell people I’m not sure how I got hired by the Austin Stone my sophomore year because I still didn’t like “mega” churches at the time, nor did I ever care to pick up a theology book. I was just flat out immature, and thought because I knew all the newest Christian lingo, I never really needed the gospel.

See that’s where this circle started coming around, but it was rough in the middle. I put way too much on my plate for two years. I wouldn’t let anyone help me for two years. I wanted to do things my way for two years. I only took seriously the parts of scripture that I wanted to hear. And yet God still granted me worthy to save me from myself. One night at an intern dinner this past fall, Stew made this statement about our time as interns that pretty much summed up my sanctification over the last two years. He said that the way God molds leaders at our age is never a matter of what he does through us, that is rare, and it will take 10-15 years before most of us get to see much fruit in ministry. But what He does do in this time, and what is most important, is what He does IN us. God is a carpenter, and rather than see us for the big block of wood that we are in the stupidity of our youth and flesh, he sees us exactly the way he made us. And to get to that piece of perfection, he just starts hammering away, sanding down our rough edges and stripping away everything that is keeping us from being the way he intended for us to be. Last spring was complete hell for me. I was absolutely miserable in just about every area of my life. And God brought me physically down with a medical condition all semester just to show me how much he cared about me. It may sound silly, but I truly believe that entire ordeal, going to a doctor everyday for three months, was purely a physical manifestation of my spiritual condition. I was bitter, I was frustrated, I was angry…and I was finding every outlet, person, and thing to attribute those feelings to. Everything but my own flesh, which was where the problem lay.

God healed me of that illness right before I left to study abroad in Ghana. He did it by opening up the wound in my body all the way, so that all the fluid building up would come out whole…”my sin not in part, but in whole.” I went to Ghana for four weeks, fell in love with Jesus all over again, and then spent two weeks traveling around Europe by myself (who ever let me do that?!?) to just enjoy Jesus. I came back to Austin as myself, and everyone around me noticed. It carried into this fall as I got to spend a semester truly enjoying the gospel, enjoying community, enjoying my time at Stone, enjoying the simplicities in life. All of the frustrations I had vented about for most of college seemed to just dissipate this semester. The things that felt like thorns in my side became small joys to me. I learned that compassion is not reserved for the “least of these,” it is meant for everyone, rich and poor, young and old, seen and unseen. I learned I pass judgment on a lot of people, and none of it is holy. I learned that rest is not laziness, it is a gracious gift from the Lord. I learned that busyness just another form of materialism. I learned that sometimes, you just have to turn on Beyonce and dance in the living room with your roommates…

Most of all in this season, I learned how the gospel is what brings things full circle. The passion and fight I had when I was a reckless 19-year old trying to “change the world” is still very much alive in me. But I realize that the end I was seeking the entire time was not a radical lifestyle, it was the gospel, and that is about as radical as it gets in this world. What I learned in coming full circle is what C.S. Lewis calls the “intolerable compliment” that

“We are bidden to "put on Christ," to become like God. That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want. Once more, we are embarrassed by the intolerable compliment, by too much love, not too little.”

I cannot express the gratitude I have in my heart for this last semester in Austin. Why God allowed me to heal wounds only I had made for myself, I can only describe as a love for his daughter that is too much for me to understand.