Irresistable Transparencies

DC Diaries Part I: The Idolatry of our Fathers

2010-05-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

When most people envision the D.C. skyline they think one thing: monuments. From the Washington Monument to Arlington National Cemetery, our Nation’s Capital is filled with statues, buildings, walls, and the like dedicated to men we deem virtuous enough to enshrine. One of my classes in D.C. explored the cross between history and monuments for much of the semester. Before we even had our first lecture we were instructed to take the two-mile walk from Arlington National Cemetery to the Washington Monument, documenting what we saw, and what we didn’t see, along the way. There are a few things that stand out when you take a closer look at the monuments and memorials: 1- most are paying homage to a war, 2-virtually none pay homage to women, 3- all the individuals represented (Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, etc.) are laced with some controversy regarding their personal “moral” fiber in light of more recent historical claims.

So what does this say about our culture? I’m not here to unveil a senior thesis on the subject, but I do think that in lieu of our celebrity culture and 24-hour news cycles, our fascination with monuments erected to dead guys (because there aren’t any for women to even pick on) is tied in to how we continue to elevate public figures to “God-like” status. We continue to build men up, only to watch them fall. There’s no need to list the names, turn on the nightly news or SportsCenter and you’ll get at least a few examples. Back in Thomas Jefferson’s day, there was no CNN or E! News to cover a scandalous affair with Sally Hemmings, no Politico to pick apart every political theory he published. While I was attempting to explain to our class during a lecture at the Jefferson Memorial why I didn’t think it was right to worship the Founding Father the way that we do, one of my classmates asked me how, if we could only build monuments for those who were morally “perfect,” would we have any monuments at all? His rhetorical question summed up my thoughts exactly. Thanks Andrew.

These days, we’re happy to practically begin erecting monuments to our favorite public figures before they’ve even hit mid-life status. Then, when they begin to fall, we gawk with horror at how such men could let us down. All the while never placing any responsibility on ourselves for demanding access to their “private” lives through tabloids, reality T.V. shows and entertainment news. We don’t have this luxury with monuments; the men we’ve put on display as tourist attractions are literally set in stone. It’s up to the history books to decide what to write in, or leave out (the Texas legislature apparently understands this one). Perhaps Jefferson was a blatant racist, so we’ll just leave those quotes off his monument walls and claim one need understand the “historical context” of the time to rationalize his actions. While these monuments do represent some great moral achievements, I don’t think they should be worshipped for the man on display. Elevating the man makes them a constant torment for society, leaving us to clamor for the next great man to build an alter for and then sulk in defeat when we continue to find out he’s as imperfect as the rest of us.

Watching people flock to the monuments shows how desperately our society is striving for worship. Unfortunately, we settle for mere mortals.

DC Diaries

2010-04-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

The last four and a half months has been the most unique time of my life. I spent my last semester in college living in a giant row house with 15 “strangers” a block away from the Supreme Court and literally in the shadow of our Nation’s Capital. I left DC on Monday, and have been reflecting a lot on what that time has meant in my life, how it has already changed me in some ways, and how it will continue to shape my life from here on out. If DC has taught me anything, it’s that reflections are best experienced in conversation with others, so that’s exactly what I plan to do. Over the next few weeks, I hope to share a few vignettes of my experience, revealing more questions I have in lieu of my time in DC rather than answers. Here’s a preview of some of the topics I’ve been dwelling/dreaming about and hope to invite anyone else into:

The Idolatry of our Fathers: What does a city filled with monuments for dead guys say about our culture?

City of Power: It is commonly said what money is to New York, and looks are to LA, power is to DC. You don’t have to live in DC long to realize people don’t come here for good looks, nor to make money. So why does this notion of power (often times disguised as wanting to “make a difference”) draw so many to the nation’s capital?

Men Without Chests: Many will agree that our society’s desire for materialism and comfort in part got us into this financial mess. Our head sees the flaw that our appetite desires yet we refuse to go through the heart to fix it, why?

Somewhere in the Middle: Can a moderate/centrist have an impact in DC without having to choose a side?

“16 Strangers, picked to live in a house…”: How living with 15 other people redefined my notion of community.

Look for the first post to come in the next day or so.

A DC Day in the Life

2010-03-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

It's officially my half-way point in DC. And I have done a terrible job of blogging. To compensate for this failed attempt at blogging regularly for friends and family, I'm trying to redeem myself for the second half of my stay in DC. Starting...now.

I thought I'd start by giving everyone a little "day in the life of" my DC experience. The days here, like most places in a fast-paced city, are far too short. It really does feel like a time warp to realize my time is already half-up. So here's a little taste of what my typical days look like:

-Wake up by 6:00am and leave by 6:45. Being in a house with 16 people, I find this time of day incredibly peaceful because I'm usually the first one up, and typically out the door before the majority of my house is awake yet.
-Commute to work- 45 minutes...usually get to office by 7:30. Our offices are in Arlington, near the Pentagon so it's a longer commute than most. I also usually stop for Dunkin Donuts coffee too...it has fast become my favorite.
-From 8:30-9am in our office is "Stillness" time. It truly is a peaceful start to the day...the calm before the storm where we all prepare ourselves spiritually for the day. I really praise Jesus for this.
-11am is staff prayer everyday. Also something I praise Jesus for. I will eventually write a blog about all these things because it has truly influenced me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
-On Mondays and Wednesdays I leave the office by about 4/4:30 to make it to class at the Archer Center. Class typically runs until about 8/8:30 on those nights, making for pretty long days.
-Weekends are a mix of things...this past weekend I took a day trip with some friends to Baltimore. One weekend a month we have Dr. Daly's class. Other times we'll have things for Dr. Swerdlow's class. The rest are really free and up to us. I usually like to spend my Saturday's at Eastern Market...which is one of the most fabulous parts of living in a city. I also like to go for runs around the Main Mall. Every time I make it to the stairs in front of the Lincoln Memorial (my half-way point), I just stop and look out on the mall...it never gets old. I'm hoping to do a much better job of exploring museums this last half of my stay, particularly the National Portrait and Art Galleries.

That pretty much sums up my daily "schedule." It is quite the busy city and I think people in DC really have a hard time with the concept of "rest." One of our class guest speakers was telling us a story about a Catholic nun he met on a bus one time. As they were talking, she would mention at every person she saw running past "look at all these people running...look at all these people running." He finally stopped and asked her why she kept saying that, and she said she always noticed how many people exercise their bodies in this city, but wondered how often they exercised their souls. Looking over my own daily schedule, it is incredible how lost we get in the business of life...the materialism of time. Grateful for the ways in which I do get to exercise my soul here amidst the clutter...and that is for another post :).

The Theology of Snow Days

2010-02-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard, DC has been under a "snowpocalypse" since last Friday. In about 24 hours we got over 2 feet of snow (close to, if not surpassing the record). It literally shut down the entire city through the weekend and into the work week. I awoke to a blanket of white outside our home on Saturday morning, with people skiing past my front door to get around. Mind you I live next to the Supreme Court. As I write this on Monday night, four days after the snow first hit, the Federal Government has closed their offices for the second day in a row. Everyday that the Fed has to close is estimated to cost $100 million. Expensive "grown-up snow days" as I like to call them.

What has struck me most about these past few days is the reminder they serve to the feebleness of man. One of the women in my office used to work for the OPM office that decides on the Fed's office closings. It is no doubt a big decision to take on, especially with that price tag. She sent us a verse out of Job that they would be reminded of as they debated whether to close or not. I think it speaks for itself:

Job 37
1 "At this my heart pounds
and leaps from its place.
2 Listen! Listen to the roar of his voice,
to the rumbling that comes from his mouth.
3 He unleashes his lightning beneath the whole heaven
and sends it to the ends of the earth.
4 After that comes the sound of his roar;
he thunders with his majestic voice.
When his voice resounds,
he holds nothing back.
5 God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;
he does great things beyond our understanding.
6 He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,'
and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.'
7 So that all men he has made may know his work,
he stops every man from his labor.

DC is a power-driven town. They say what money is to New York, and looks are to LA, power is to DC. Even one of the most powerful cities in the world cannot withstand the power of nature. With all of the technology, progress, and influence this town exerts, it was stopped by a more powerful hand, one that turns Capital Hill into a playground for children and adults for a few days rather than the political powerhouse it is known as. But even the "wind and the waves" obeyed Christ. Now that is something to dwell on in when you're sitting in a house with two-feet of snow piled up in front of your door.

As I walked around the Capital building on Saturday afternoon when the snow finally let up, I felt as though I was living in a dream world, or the set of some expensive post-apocalyptic movie where the Capital is reverted to a place for children, not grown men and women. The snow storm also had this way of fostering community in this normally recluse city. The streets were no longer normal streets for two days, but rather one big snow route where feet actually ruled over tires. People were out all over the place joining in snow fights, offering a hand to shovel sidewalks, offering up one another's sleds so people could have a chance to "play" too. It was beautiful. Something transformed in this city for two days, and it all happened when the most type-A population of people were reminded to sit down for a bit. I smile just thinking about it.

"I fancy the beauties of nature are a secret God has shared with us alone. That may be one of the reasons why we were made- and why the resurrection of the body is an important doctrine." - C.S. Lewis

What I'm Reading for Washington, D.C.

2009-12-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

Part of the Archer Fellows Program I’ll be doing in DC (starting next Tuesday the 5th!) is the classes that we take over the course of the semester. I’ll still be considered a full time student at UT and work a full-time internship with IJM. The Archer Fellows Program consists of 4 classes, one of which is technically my internship. We’ll have class two nights a week from professors that have worked in DC for many years, and then Dr. John Daly will fly in from UT-Austin three weekends over the course of the semester to teach our final class. I’ve had to do some pre-reading for my classes, and have given myself a “personal” reading list to supplement those as well. Here’s what I’ve been reading the last few weeks to prepare:

For my internship at International Justice Mission:
-“Good News About Injustice” by Gary Haugen, IJM founder

Advocacy in Applied Settings – Dr. John Daly
-“The Prince” by Machiavelli
-“Life’s a Campaign” by Chris Matthews

Beyond Congress and the White House – Dr. Joel Swerdlow
-“Being There” by Jerzy Kosinski
- watch “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”

Policy Making Process – Dr. Julie Donnelly
-Two articles: “Four Amendments & a Funeral” by Matt Taibbi and “What I Wish Political Scientists Would Teach about Congress” by Lee Hamilton

My “personal” reading list for DC:
- “The Reason for God” by Tim Keller
- “The Abolition of Man” by C.S. Lewis
-“Counterfit Gods” by Tim Keller
-“Bobos in Paradise” by David Books
- Most of the articles David Brooks cited in his “Sydney” awards

The books I had to read for class are all pretty interesting. I disagree with just about every premise from “The Prince,” as it is essentially the antithesis of Tim Keller’s “Counterfeit Gods.” I finally finished “Reason for God,” and really enjoyed it. If you can’t tell, I’m a big Keller fan, and going into an intense intellectual environment for the next few years (DC and then TFA), it was refreshing to hear such a strong academic engagement about faith. I haven’t finished “The Abolition of Man,” but chose it because it’s meant to argue for the importance and relevance of universal values in contemporary society. My time in Quincy has been a perfect break to be able to accomplish all of this, as Middle America doesn’t provide many physical “distractions” to waste my time on. I’m really looking forward to pulling in some of my personal readings into our class discussions over the required readings, I think they compliment (probably more like counteract) popular thought well. The nerd in me is giddy to start discussing these issues with my peers, who also happen to be my housemates for the next five months.

If you have any suggestions for readings that might compliment these, feel free to shoot them my way!

Lessons in Leaving Part II: Coming Full Circle

2009-12-19T19:10:00.000-08:00

My last semester in Austin was by far the best one. It was a season of rest, a season of healing, a season of celebration, and all around a season of delight for me. Most of all, it was a season to come full circle.

I say full circle because I had a lot to learn in my short time in Austin over the last four years. I came into UT with one foot in the world, and one foot trying to figure out this “faith” thing. My freshmen year is nothing short of a bad reality TV show for me to look back on, as I think most of ours tend to be. Then there was the spring semester where my world got rocked by Jesus, the book of Acts, and Shane Claiborne. Sophomore year was definitely my “feisty” phase, where I felt like I had brought back to Austin some spiritual golden ticket. I laugh when I look back on that time, how blunt I was in trying to talk to anyone who would listen to me about this idea of putting college students in East Austin. I laugh because I don’t like being that forthcoming about anything, but somehow I was talking off anyone’s ear that would lend it to me. What I had in that time, and for pretty much the next two years, was a lot of passion, vigor, and fight…but not a foundation. I always tell people I’m not sure how I got hired by the Austin Stone my sophomore year because I still didn’t like “mega” churches at the time, nor did I ever care to pick up a theology book. I was just flat out immature, and thought because I knew all the newest Christian lingo, I never really needed the gospel.

See that’s where this circle started coming around, but it was rough in the middle. I put way too much on my plate for two years. I wouldn’t let anyone help me for two years. I wanted to do things my way for two years. I only took seriously the parts of scripture that I wanted to hear. And yet God still granted me worthy to save me from myself. One night at an intern dinner this past fall, Stew made this statement about our time as interns that pretty much summed up my sanctification over the last two years. He said that the way God molds leaders at our age is never a matter of what he does through us, that is rare, and it will take 10-15 years before most of us get to see much fruit in ministry. But what He does do in this time, and what is most important, is what He does IN us. God is a carpenter, and rather than see us for the big block of wood that we are in the stupidity of our youth and flesh, he sees us exactly the way he made us. And to get to that piece of perfection, he just starts hammering away, sanding down our rough edges and stripping away everything that is keeping us from being the way he intended for us to be. Last spring was complete hell for me. I was absolutely miserable in just about every area of my life. And God brought me physically down with a medical condition all semester just to show me how much he cared about me. It may sound silly, but I truly believe that entire ordeal, going to a doctor everyday for three months, was purely a physical manifestation of my spiritual condition. I was bitter, I was frustrated, I was angry…and I was finding every outlet, person, and thing to attribute those feelings to. Everything but my own flesh, which was where the problem lay.

God healed me of that illness right before I left to study abroad in Ghana. He did it by opening up the wound in my body all the way, so that all the fluid building up would come out whole…”my sin not in part, but in whole.” I went to Ghana for four weeks, fell in love with Jesus all over again, and then spent two weeks traveling around Europe by myself (who ever let me do that?!?) to just enjoy Jesus. I came back to Austin as myself, and everyone around me noticed. It carried into this fall as I got to spend a semester truly enjoying the gospel, enjoying community, enjoying my time at Stone, enjoying the simplicities in life. All of the frustrations I had vented about for most of college seemed to just dissipate this semester. The things that felt like thorns in my side became small joys to me. I learned that compassion is not reserved for the “least of these,” it is meant for everyone, rich and poor, young and old, seen and unseen. I learned I pass judgment on a lot of people, and none of it is holy. I learned that rest is not laziness, it is a gracious gift from the Lord. I learned that busyness just another form of materialism. I learned that sometimes, you just have to turn on Beyonce and dance in the living room with your roommates…

Most of all in this season, I learned how the gospel is what brings things full circle. The passion and fight I had when I was a reckless 19-year old trying to “change the world” is still very much alive in me. But I realize that the end I was seeking the entire time was not a radical lifestyle, it was the gospel, and that is about as radical as it gets in this world. What I learned in coming full circle is what C.S. Lewis calls the “intolerable compliment” that

“We are bidden to "put on Christ," to become like God. That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want. Once more, we are embarrassed by the intolerable compliment, by too much love, not too little.”

I cannot express the gratitude I have in my heart for this last semester in Austin. Why God allowed me to heal wounds only I had made for myself, I can only describe as a love for his daughter that is too much for me to understand.

Lessons in Leaving Part I: The Places I'll Miss Most

2009-12-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

It’s officially happened, I can no longer call Austin, TX “home.” This past Saturday my parents packed me up and moved me up to their house in Quincy, IL for the next three weeks. I’ll fly to Washington, DC on January 5th, but until then I’m stuck in the epitome of “Middle America.” The final week in Austin was bittersweet; actually, the entire fall semester was bittersweet. It was a week filled with many memories, laughs, good food, good friends, and goodbyes. By the time my going away party at the Stewart’s came on Friday night, I was almost too exhausted from having to say “goodbye” all week. The night was beautiful though, and I'll go into more detail on that in another post.

Although I may never be able to call Austin my physical “home” again, it will forever be where my “family” resides. I’ve lived a lot of places in my life, moving throughout the Midwest my entire childhood, but no place has treated me quite like Austin, TX. Here are a few parts of the city I will miss most:

-Driving down I-35 (as long as there isn’t any traffic!) and seeing the skyline, particularly the UT Tower
-Hearing ice cream trucks drive by my house in St. John’s late at night, and even in cold weather
-Running at Town Lake
-Hyde Park eateries (particularly Quack’s Bakery and Dolce Vita)
-Whole Foods
-The UT campus
-“Treasure hunting” at all the Goodwills around town
-Half Price Books
-The Gingerman (more for the people I shared a drink with there)

There are, of course, many people I will miss way more than these landmarks. But that is for another entry. If you’re reading this and still in Austin, please enjoy a few of these places for me. I know I’ll find my favorite spots in DC, and even Mississippi, but for now, these are the places I’ll daydream about when I want to feel “home” again…

Provision for my Sudanese Brother

2009-12-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

*As you read this, please prayerfully consider providing for this request on behalf of my Sudanese brother Joshua

The day after Thanksgiving, I received an urgent email from my Colleen who is serving as a missionary in Nagishot. William and Eunice's son Joshua, who lives with them on the compound and suffers from Epilepsy and Schizophrenic episodes, had an accident the day after Thanksgiving and accidentally drank battery acid that was lying around the compound. He immediately threw it up, burning this mouth and throat. Eunice treated him immediately, having him drink lots of milk, water, and eggs throughout the day. You can assume how dangerous this is, and as Joshua began to urinate the acid out, it literally burned holes through his underwear and pants.

As Colleen corresponded with a doctor in the states about the incident, he told her to seek serious medical attention for Joshua as soon as possible, seeing as his chance of surviving this in the states would be low, much less in a remote African village. For weeks we have prayed for sweet Joshua, and the Lord has provided along the way. I can now report that Joshua is recovering at a hospital in Kampala, surrounded by his family and in good hands medically. We are still waiting to hear back from the test results that will determine what long term damage Joshua has suffered from this. We at least know from an X-Ray that there appears to be a hole in his stomach from the acid.

Many have joined us in prayer for Joshua, William, Eunice, and their entire family. Joshua brings a smile to my face every time I think of him. Since the first time I met him he has reminded me of Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird," my favorite book. He is a gentle giant, and a gift from God. His spirit is so in tuned with that land, and William and Eunice believe this is why God has chosen to use his illnesses in the way he has, because it brings much reliance on HIM and glory to HIS name. The Laku's are relying on God's provision again in this, as they wonder how they will cover the medical expenses. The Laku's are missionaries in Nagishot. Even though they are both Sudanese, they gave up wealth and much prosperity to answer God's call to the Didinga, an unreached people group. I am so passionate that it is in these times when we are HONORED and PRIVILEGED to serve such heroes of the faith with our finances. Truly, truly, I know no two people in this world whom I believe in the mission of God more because of the example they set. Below is information on how you can donate to Joshua's medical fund. Every little bit counts. Even giving up the price of a Starbuck's for today would help tremendously. Even though I don't know the total needed yet to cover the costs, I can at least tell you that the plane ride out of Nagishot was $1200, and this needs to be covered ASAP. Please join me in providing for our family in Christ:

For online giving:
https://my.efca.org/NetCommunity/SSLPage.aspx?pid=359
Designation: Sudan Field Ministries #22059-011
Tribute information: NAME: Joshua Laku; DESCRIPTION: Medical fund for Joshua Laku

To mail a check:
Make checks out to EFCA Reach Global
Please put project # 22059-011 in the memo line
Mail to:
EFCA Reach Global
901 East 78th St.
Minneapolis, MN 55420

An Update on Life

2009-11-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened in life since I last posted here. I'm currently about two weeks away from moving out of Austin indefinitely, and here's a little preview of where life's journey is taking me...

Archer Fellows Program- Washington, DC
Last spring, I was accepted into the Archer Fellows Program through The University of Texas at Austin. As part of Archer Fellows (http://www.archercenter.org/programs/archer_fellow.html), I will live and work in DC with about twenty other UT students from various schools in the UT system. We will all have full time internships at an organization of our choosing, and then be enrolled as full time students at UT while we live there. The Archer Program is an incredible opportunity to live and work in the nation's capital. I will work full-time in an internship (more info on that below), and then have classes on Monday and Wednesday nights with the other Fellows. Additionally, the program provides various opportunities for us to explore the city, democracy, and all that DC has to offer. Although I will only be in DC from January 5th-April 23rd, I consider it my version of moving to "the big city." Having never been drawn to the bright lights of LA or NYC, DC is the equivalent of those "bright lights" for nerds like me.

International Justice Mission - Government Relations Intern
I applied to a couple places that focused on international development issues, but when the offer came up to work as the Government Relations Intern with International Justice Mission (www.ijm.org), I couldn't pass it up. I consider this position with IJM to be my dream job, seriously, and I am completely humbled and excited by the opportunity. IJM is a human rights agency that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation, and violent oppression. IJM lawyers, investigators and aftercare professionals work with local officials to ensure immediate victim rescue and aftercare, to prosecute perpetrators and to promote functioning public justice systems. I will serve as the Government Relations Intern, where my main responsibilities will include: insisting in the planning and implementation of the Justice Advocacy Campaigns; researching current and past legislation related to IJM's casework; researching substantive issues in the areas of US trade relations, foreign aid, HIV/AIDS, women's rights, slavery and trafficking; and more. I truly feel that the experience at IJM will be an invaluable asset to my career, and I am honored to work for such an outstanding organization that fights for justice on a daily basis.

Teach For America - Mississippi Delta

After the Archer Program is over, I will have about 7 weeks before I start the next chapter of my life- teaching in the Mississippi Delta as part of Teach For America. I will graduate on May 22nd, and then head off to Institute training for TFA on June 13th. TFA is like the Peace Corps for domestic education. Here's a small description of their mission:

"Our mission is to build the movement to eliminate educational inequity by enlisting our nation's most promising future leaders in the effort. We recruit outstanding recent college graduates from all backgrounds and career interests to commit to teach for two years in urban and rural public schools. We provide the training and ongoing support necessary to ensure their success as teachers in low-income communities." www.teachforamerica.org

The issue of education inequity is one that has become near and dear to my heart the last three years. I am excited to take on the challenge (and it will be a BIG challenge) of teaching in the Mississippi Delta, and even more thrilled to join the movement of young leader's that TFA is building to give all of our nation's children an equal education.

Bittersweet
That is the best word to describe how I'm feeling about all that God has placed in front of me for the next three years. Austin has become my home, more than any other place I've lived, and I will look back in the rear view mirror with tears of joy in my eyes as I drive up I-35 in two weeks. More on this "bittersweet" journey to come soon...

The Gosepl and Race

2009-06-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to believe I’ve been in Ghana for almost a week now, time is flying by so fast. Things have begun to lighten up in some ways, allowing us to stretch our wings more and begin to explore Ghana in our own ways. I’ve had a pretty intense couple of last days, with a lot of emotions and processing. I’m a big fan of these times, even when they suck to go through. We had an event as an entire group two nights ago that really shook me in a lot of ways, and has put a lot of thoughts and feelings into my head, both good and bad.

On Saturday, we spent the morning as a group going through the museums. One in particular had a portion devoted to the slave trade, and it brought up some heavy emotions for people, especially as we get ready to head to the Gold Coast on Wednesday. The rest of the day, we were allowed to either go to Tema, which is the town that our student liaison Kwame is from, or head to the market with Dr. Aggrey. Most students chose to go to Tema, and a few of us stayed behind to do a little shopping. The markets were quite an experience, and while I had been through similar ones in Nairobi, I was quickly reminded how well you need to have your stuff together before you head in there. With people pulling you all over the place, it gets difficult to make decisions on things or even turn down a “good” deal. I ended up making it out alive, with only one or two things I kind of regretted later. Dinner was on our own, so after resting a few of us headed to the small restaurant next to our hostel. We stayed there until about 10pm and then headed back to Catters. On the road back, Rian got a call from Dr. Aggrey that we were having a mandatory meeting in 30 minutes because of some things that took place in Tema. No one was quite sure what was going on, but we all braced up for the meeting.

The next three hours would become one of the most emotionally intense nights of my life. While in Tema, the students got to attend part of a funeral and then ended up playing with some local school children. The Tema area has some extreme poverty parts in it, and the reality of children filled with joy, playing with you in the midst of trash, was too hard for a few students to take. While those few students were more distraught, the rest had an amazing time and loved the area. The result of the conflicting sides led to some feeling as if some intentions of people here were ill-mannered, or more ignorant because they weren’t as emotional over the situation. Some people had taken comments they overheard on the bus afterwards out of proportion on top of already being in a sensitive emotional state. The result was strong feelings that lead to an even more intense discussion between our group. Dr. Aggrey called this a “catalyst” for a greater discussion we had to have about race. The discussion quickly became heated, and became more of a black/white argument than an expression of differing emotional states. It was almost as if you had white students on one side and black students on the other. On top of that, people never handle themselves well with these things, and everyone feels as if they have to be a smart ass when they have a chance to speak; only fueling the fire in many regards. So many people jumped to conclusions, and made very volatile remarks towards bits and pieces of things they had overheard at one time or another throughout the trip.

I sat there pretty paralyzed by what was going on. I don’t consider myself ignorant to the reality of racial divisions in this world, and particularly in our own American culture. But I also believe in a God that not only created every race out of His divine creativity, but is SO much bigger than any racial division that broken men and women take part in. There were times in the discussion when it was more about socioeconomic statuses than race, and other times more about maturity and life stage. Yet people always let the fire kindle too long, until it has started to burn out of control. Dr. Aggrey also told us during this time that we were going to be split up by race during the first visit to the slave castles. This only opened up a whole new can of worms. Many white students felt that was counter-productive, and if we couldn’t handle the past together we would never be able to learn from it. There were also some African American students who felt strongly about going through it separately. So we had two sides, both feeling as if the only way to go forward was to step with their foot first instead of their neighbors. The decision was already made by our professors, but nonetheless students were extremely upset on both sides.

For three hours I sat literally dead in the middle of everything, the only thing I could do was put my head in my knees and pray for Jesus’ peace to come to our group, for it is the ONLY thing that can unite our broken group. It may be one of the clearest times in my life when I realized just how powerful the truth of the cross is. By the end of the discussion, emotions had been able to calm down some, while some were still left confused in many areas. I was emotionally drained by how broken our humanity is. I’ve seen absolute poverty, severe sexual immorality, and many other physical signs of brokenness, but the racial tension I sat through for three hours almost topped them all. It’s such a thick amount of spiritual warfare, so deep rooted and so hurtful. For the next two days after that I even began questioning my place being here because of the color of my skin. I let myself start thinking those lies rather than the TRUTH that is we are all from the same soil, and we all belong here. I’ve thought about William and Eunice in Sudan often, how much they’ve welcomed me as a daughter in Nagishot. That is truth, which is the spirit of Jesus that transcends all things, the ultimate healer of brokenness. We are untied as brothers and sisters in Christ, sons and daughters of a MIGHTY KING. Many of the “chochos” here (public transport vans that are packed with people all the time) usually have a Christian message written across the back window. While we were driving today with my group around the area we’ll be working with next week, one of the guys asked Ken, our Ghanaian guide, what “Yesu Mogya” meant, and he replied “Jesus’ Blood.” I about flipped out in the back. Jesus’ blood has been so heavy on me this past week, and the significance it stands for in this place, to heal what has been so devastatingly broken by colonialism and slavery, and what is the only answer to continue to heal the repercussions of that.

I’ve learned so much my first week here. I can only imagine where I will be in three more weeks. Cape Coast is coming up on Wednesday, and I’m trying to prepare myself for the emotional toll that will take. It’s going to be devastating for me to see churches built by colonialists on the same compounds as the slave castles, literally right next to each other. I know it will bring about many hard conversations, but also many inroads to the gospel. I’m quickly learning how un-gifted I am at sharing the gospel, while at the same time experiencing a burden for it like never before. The overwhelming response and support of prayers and encouragement from friends back home has been incredible, and literally given me peace and boldness every morning. As I prepare my heart and pray over our time to the Cape Coast this week, those prayers and words mean so much to me. I know I’m about to embark on one of the most emotionally devastating ,and at the same time beautiful, weeks of my life, and the only thing that can carry me through it is the blood of Christ…

First Few Days in Ghana

2009-05-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Ghana on the night of the 26th after spending a much needed day and night of relaxation at a hotel in London. About 10 of us from the program all had the same KLM flight from Amsterdam to Accra so we all flew the last leg of the trip together. Arriving in Accra felt much like it did the last time I landed in Nairobi, just a homecoming of a different sort. If you’ve ever been to Africa and fallen in love with it like I have, there’s something about stepping off the plane into the hot African night that is so welcoming. The crowds, small taxis, and bad traffic, all become sweet signs to welcome you back to the continent. It feels so good to be back on the continent. The people are unlike anywhere else I’ve ever been, filled with the type of joy and welcoming hearts that you can’t buy no matter how hard most Westerners try. It’s funny to think I made me first trip here less than a year ago, and here I am on my third one within 10 months. Some places just draw you back to them, and this continent does that for me.

The hostel we’re staying at is just about perfect for us. It’s not air conditioned as a whole but each of our rooms do have window units, and most nights we wake up freezing cold rather than kicking off covers from the heat. Accra is a costal town, nestled in the backwards “C” of the West African coast, so it stays pretty warm and humid, much like Texas weather in July. On Wednesday, only about half of the 40 students were here yet, so we just had the chance to sleep in before all venturing out to exchange some money and go by the mall. Malls are not typically the places I run to in a new city, but we’ve been pretty confined to where we can venture off to by ourselves so far. That’s been the most frustrating part of the trip in some regards, but also understandable. This is the only study abroad program UT has in Africa, so the stakes are pretty high for our professors right now. It gets easy for me to feel comfortable here because I’ve traveled to other parts of the continent before, not to mention much more dangerous parts, but I’m trying to abide by the authority of our program directors as much as possible.

Ghana is one of the safest and most stable countries in Africa. Having gained independence in the 1960’s, it avoided much of the political corruption and ethnic conflicts that have eroded other African countries after de-colonization. The comment I always here about people who’ve traveled to Ghana is that their favorite thing is the people, and I can understand why. There is a very strong sense of nationality here, and not as strong of an ex-pat or foreign influence like I saw a lot of in Nairobi. While Ghanaians are some of the most educated Africans (college was free here until about 8 years ago), the average GDP per person is still less than $400. As the director of the Aya Center told us today, Ghana is one of the richest countries in resources, but like so many other countries around, also one of the poorest economically. As we got to tour some of the slums today on our air-conditioned buses, that is the hardest truth for me to wrestle with. Seeing urban poverty like that doesn’t shock me as much because I’ve been around it before, but now that I’ve studied how countries get to that place, I feel a different kind of heart-break. I think I first traveled to Africa looking at the people as simply disadvantaged, but the more I’ve studied and the more I’ve traveled here, the more I realize that many of the luxuries I enjoy in the US are what keep people in poverty over here. Two of my friends Andy and Ali, and my roommate Danielle and I all grabbed a drink after we got back today, and talked about some of the things we passed through. Andy mentioned how he had come to the same understanding now of poverty, but that he didn’t think Americans would ever be willing to give up our cheap comforts to give someone else across the world a better life. No matter how hard you try to reason out poverty, the only thing that can truly overcome it is an understanding of the gospel. I am one of only a handful of believers on this trip, I’ve only openly had a conversation with one other girl about her faith, and my impression is that most people here have pretty harsh or apathetic views of religion, particularly Christianity. Very quickly I’m reminded how without a gospel worldview, the world can be a very hard place to come to grips with. The poverty we passed through today is just as hard for me to go through as it is for anyone else, yet there is a comfort in knowing that one day the part of town they call “Sodom and Gomorra” here will be renewed, it will be redeemed by the return of Christ, turning the sewage into flowing waters and every sickness into strength.

More than anything, I feel this is my main purpose on the trip, to continue to pour that truth into conversations. I’ve found myself more as an apologetic than anything, as many people have some pretty harsh things to say about religion. I’m constantly reminded that the gospel is the “aroma” to some, and “foolishness” to others. This trip is a challenge for me, and a gift from the Lord to test me on how much I truly believe he can change hearts.

Pray for Pepe

2009-02-15T13:16:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my dear Didinga sister Pepe, who has a severe foot infection right now. Pepe is one of the first women I met in Nagishot, and her smile and spirit will melt your heart. She has been suffering from a foot infection for the last three months that has made it hard for her to walk. You can imagine what this will do to a woman in a culture where she's on her feet all day.

Women in the Congo

2009-02-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

One of the organization's Amy and I got to meet this weekend at CGIU is called Women for Women International. In particular, we met Christine Karumba, their country director for the Democratic Republic of Congo, needless to say she was pretty inspiring. Upon looking into their website today, I found this 60 minutes video about the war on women in Congo. I will warn you that it brought me to tears this morning, but I feel that it's too important not to share. The last 30 seconds is what did me in, because the women are singing about how they believe their suffering will end in heaven...keep these women in your prayers.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/11/60minutes/main3701249.shtml

For more on Women to Women International, go to www.womenforwomen.org

Tales From Nagishot

2009-01-24T14:58:00.001-08:00

Two weeks ago I got that chance to return to a place that has grown near and dear to my heart, Nagishot, Sudan. As many of you know, I first went to Nagishot this past summer, on a trip lead by my dear friends Jonathan and Lauren Ramirez who will, God willing, be moving there within the next few months. Those two weeks impacted my life more than I think I even realize right now. From the people, to the smell, scenery, sights, and sounds, all of it infiltrated my soul and hasn’t left yet.

Since coming back on Monday, countless people have asked me about the trip. From trying to get every detail, to asking for a one word onomatopoeia to sum up the trip (thank you Nolan Dean), I’ve tried to recount my second trip as much as I can. Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m doing the people of Nagishot an injustice each time I talk about it. Not to mention an injustice to the incredible things that God did in the midst of our trip. Something I prayed for on this trip was stories. I felt like I missed out on a lot of stories the first time we went, and I really wanted to capture that this time around. I prayed that God would open up all of my senses to Nagishot, to the Didinga people, and to the larger story he was creating for them. More than I could have ever dreamed of, God granted me stories. Whether it’s the story of City on a Hill, as told by William and Eunice in the dark light of a post-dinner conversation, or the story of a parent’s plea to give their child the “light” of education during a PTA meeting, or the story of 24 women who spent one Friday afternoon dreaming with me under the shade of a big tree, these are the stories God has created in Nagishot. And these are the stories that continue to tell of his greatness amongst a people he created for his glory.

So since I can’t possibly attempt to sum up my trip in one conversation, much less a blog, I’m going to tell it in stories. I pray that each of these stories will take on a life of their own, that they may each tell smaller tales between the lines I write about them. And more than anything, I pray that the stories will paint a larger picture of what God is doing in Nagishot, and around the world.

To all of you who have supported me in Nagishot, these stories are especially for you. I could never thank you enough for your support, prayer, and encouragement. You are each truly a part of these stories just as much as I am.

You can keep up with the “Tales of Nagishot” as I post them on my blog here over the next few weeks.

Peace, love, and happy reading-
Jackie

Greetings from Nagishot!

2009-01-13T06:52:00.003-08:00

Hello Friends,

Greetings from warm and beautiful Nagishot, Sudan! On Sunday night, the team
from Makarios finally arrived in Nairobi and we departed for Sudan the
following morning. We were quickly met by Alfred and Pastor William, as well
as sweet Joshua who made the long trek to greet us at the air strip. We have
only been here a day and yet God has already shown up in great ways. The
EVFree team from Austin is doing a wonderful pastoral training for a small
group of 15, and the women are leading a women's ministry in the mornings
where 4 women accepted Christ on Monday, praise the Lord!

Our team spent most of their first day soaking their new landscape. It is
amazing for me to see how much has changed here in the five short months
since I was here. William and Eunice are truly raising up a God-centered
ministry here, that not only takes the gospel to an un-reached people group
but meets their physical needs through development as well.

This morning Pastor William gave us a tour of the City on a Hill School, and
there was much to take in. School started yesterday but students are still
slow to come back after holiday. We spent much time observing the new
additions (the first brick buildings for storage and a bathroom), talking
with some of the teachers, and observing the classes. The students are eager
to learn and take their studies very seriously. The greatest needs right now
are for trained teachers and classroom buildings so school can be year
round. How truly great is our God that he brought together a team with just
those giftings...I am in awe of God's grace and intentionality with us.

We look forward to the days ahead as we continue to spend much time
listening and learning more about the school. Pray that God would continue
to open our heads and hearts to where he may have us here in the future.
Pray for the EVFree team as they continue to teach the word of God.

Love and blessings,
Jackie

The Joys of African Travel

2009-01-11T00:43:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm sitting in an internet cafe in Nairobi, Kenya. Since Friday, I have spent 7 hours in the Chicago airport, 8 hours on a plane to London, and finally 7 1/2 hours on a flight to Nairobi. And to think we are only half way to Nagishot....

While Amie and I made it comfortably here, the other three members of our team from Makarios weren't so lucky. The thing about international travel that your layovers make a big difference. And since their flight out of NY was delayed, that meant they would miss meeting up with us in London and have to arrive in Nairobi a day late. I hate that they aren't here. I hate that their first experience in Nairobi will come in on such an exhausting note. But I trust in the Lord on this, and I am always so awed by his intentionality with even the most frustrating of circumstances. Our last trip to Nagishot in August found 2 of our team members without their bags for the first week. What started as such frustrating circumstances turned into the most beautiful display of God's sovereignty. It just so happened that the lost bag fee came out to be the exact amount of Didinga brother Hector needed for a personal emergency. In the same way the Lord was faithful in all things 5 months ago, I trust he will do the same this time.

This morning Amie and I got to get to know our hostel a little bit. I love hostels, they bring such an array of travelers. In a matter of minute I met Lucia, an Italian traveler, and Brad, a Tanzanian church planter with AIM, the same missions agency that will fly us out of Loki tomorrow. Lucia and I could barely communicate with her broken English, but she tried none-the-less, asking me the few things she knew in English like what month my birthday was. We met up with our Nairobi travel aide, Sammy, and his brother Josphat this morning. Sammy has been the most incredible friend to me in this trip, he got all of our Sudan visas in a matter of 2 short weeks, and paid for our Loki flights as well. It is such a joy to work with such a truly humble servant of the Lord like Sammy.

We spent the rest of our morning hanging around the Sarit Center, a big shopping center in nairobi. We are currently in a cyber-cafe, and loving the cheap rates :). This afternoon, Amie and I will explore Nairobi as much as we can, eating at well-known Indian restaurant for lunch, and then try to meet up with Ruth, who works for Food for the Hungry. It is a beautiful day in in Nairobi, and while Kenyans think it is hot, we think it is just perfect...

I am eagerly awaiting our arrival in Nagishot tomorrow. All throughout our travel, I have barely been able to sleep, thinking and day dreaming about reuniting with my Didinga family soon. I can't wait to be greeted by familiar faces off the plane, and attempt to regurgitate the little Didinga I still remember. Last night as I sat in my hostel room, I wrote in my journal how natural it feels for me to be here. I actually enjoy the travel (easier said for me than our makarios team i'm sure), and love being in new places. I feel comfortable in Nairobi, like it is another city I could call home to one day. Who knows, maybe I will find myself here one day soon...

I believe that is all for now friends. There are so many thoughts and feelings to be written down, but so many of them are to be shared in person with all of you, and many have yet to be processed for myself. To think we aren't even to Nagishot yet! I feel so blessed to be here, to be a part of this trip, to reuinite with a people that have become like family for me. Family, what an interesting concept. Amie asked me of all the places I've lived, where do I feel most home, and to that I didn't have a concrete answer. I believe my family resides in many places. From Kansas City, to Austin, to Nagishot, God has given me a family that is beyond any I could ever deserve. I love that soon enough, two of my closest families will be together, the Ramirez's and the Laku's. The next time I come to Nagishot, it will surely be a family reunion to celebrate.

Please continue to pray for our team from Makarios. Pray that they will rest in the Lord in the midst of their travel troubles and that his grace and mercy would be known to all of us.

Until Nagishot... :)

City on a Hill Video

2008-07-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Here's the video of the City on a Hill boarding school that we will be visiting in Sudan. As you can see, the school is little but sticks and bricks, yet they're already educating some of the children. While we will not be working much on the school this trip, we will be there to encourage, pray, and live with the Didinga people.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THvp3VpQ0Jg

40 Days of Health before Sudan

2008-06-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

While contemplating how I can prepare myself physically for Sudan in a little over a month, I realized one of the biggest things that needed to change was my diet. I'm a pretty healthy eater for the most part, I don't eat fried food, rarely do I eat fast food, and I'm all around cautious about the type of food I eat. BUT, I do love to snack, and I love bread, did I also mention I have a giant sweet tooth?

Since the food we'll eat in Sudan is all natural, locally grown stuff, I decided I should change my eating habits before I go. Also, I've never traveled overseas before, and I don't want my body to be in withdrawl from diet cokes and sugar when I'm there. I want to be in the best health and shape possible. I lost a lot of weight due to my appendix surgery last year and kept all of it off for almost a year until this last spring. Because my schedule got all out of whack and I fell out of my regular running patterns, I put all the weight on pretty quickly late this spring. Even though I'm back to the weight I came into college with, my body was used to the lighter weight for a while and I really started to tell a difference.

When I began looking at diets to take on for this time, I knew I wanted to find something that would give me an eating pattern close to what I'll have in Sudan. I thought about a detox diet, but those are really costly, and when you're raising support to go on a trip, you think very differently about the money you spend personally. One diet I had actually learned about in an anatomy class I took in the fall was the Maker's Diet, it was developed by a man who suffered from Crone's disease and didn't react to any medicine. Instead, he developed his own diet, based of Old Testament eating principles, and ending up treating himself. Basically the diet gets rid of most processed foods, and trys to rid the body of your addictions to certain foods, mine being bread and carbs.

I've known a couple people to adapt this way of eating, and a lot of people swear by it. The plan also entails a lot of hygine rituals and a couple other things, but I haven't followed those yet. The diet is a 40 day plan, split into 3 phases. The first phase-14 days- which I started Friday, allows you to eat most protein, except pork, shell fish, and some specific types of fish. I can only have berries, cherries, lemons, and limes; no cow's milk products; no sugar; and no grains (my hard one!). I'm still allowed to have coffee (thankfully!), tea, and all the veggies I want. I thought this would be hard for me since I'm such a carb addict, but I've found it surprisingly easy. Even though I'm limited in my choices, I've been able to stay away from the cravings and temptations really easily. I don't snack nearly as much as I'm used to because I really don't have a lot to snack on. Also, since my breakfast is usually a veggie omlet or eggs, turkey bacon, and fruit, I stay satisfied for much longer. I've really enjoyed cooking fish like salmon and tilapia too. I never used to eat salmon but I know how good it is for you and now I really love it.

I'm also training for a triathalon at the end of July! My friend Courtney and I are going to do a women's triathalon here before I leave for Sudan and she leaves for grad school. The tri is short, just a 300m swim, 11 mile bike, and 2 mile run. But since it's a women's one, they give you ice foot baths and mimosas after :) I really feel like all of these things will prepare me well physically for our trip. The diet is less about the weight, and more about getting my body to a more natural state of food sources. It's sounds kind of hippie like, I know, but so far so good! If I can make it through birthday weekend at the Stewart's with all the cake and cookies here, I think I can make it a couple more weeks :)

My Crash-course in Parenting...

2008-06-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

So this week I took over "parent duties" for Kimberly and Stew while they were in the hospital with new baby Karis. From Monday morning, until Wednesday afternoon, I've had the little buggers 24/7. As much as I've babysat by myself for over 8 years, this was more of a first for me. It changes quite a bit when you can't just "give" the kids back at the end of the day ;). My room mate Christel, who also lives with us, was here too, but she has class and nannys for another family during the day, so it was just me and the kiddos during that time.

Monday was a fairly easy day with them. I took them to a pottery place to make something for Karis, which was really fun, and they didn't break anything! Kimberly was scheduled to be enduced that morning so we played a waiting game all day for the news that Karis was here. At 1:50pm Karis Elizabeth Stewart was born! We spent the afternoon here and brought the kids up to see their baby sister after dinner. They did so great with her. Sally treated her like another one of her baby dolls, and Wesley Grant instantly turned into protective big brother. By the time we left to come home, they were pretty pooped and went right to bed at 8.

Sally, Wesley Grant, and new sister Karis

Tuesday, however, was a different story. Wesley Grant woke up at 6:45am, and Sally soon followed. He woke up full of energy and didn't let up all morning. I've had to learn the balance of realizing when he's just being a 3-year old boy, and when he's actually disobeying me. For the most part, when he's been a little crazy this week, it's just because he's a boy and he's stir crazy. By the time I got them in the car at 11am to take them to the hospital, I just sat in the car for a minute, I was so exhausted! I got to leave them at the hospital with Stew while I left to get lunch and go up to the office for staff meeting. Lauren Ramirez stayed at the house when the kids got back from lunch and stayed with them while they went down for naps. I came into a quiet house when I got back and just pondered the silence for a while. I was so tired but couldn't really sleep, so I just rested in my room and read until they woke up at 5. That night Wesley Grant was awesome, but Sally what the whiner. She had cut her finger a little bit and had a runny nose, the combination I think that led to her be more needy than ever. After we just sat and rocked for a while she was better, and Christel took them down the street to a neighborhood Backyard Bible Club this week while I had my girl's small group over.

Christel and Karis

When they got back, Wesley Grant was so excited to see me and "all my friends" as he said. I really felt like a parent does when their kids rush home to see them. Christel put them in the bath while we finished up in the living room, but as they finished up I began to hear Wesley Grant shouting at her. He's pulled this before with Christel, but hadn't really tested it much with me. When I walked in the bathroom, he stopped yelling and went "uh-oh," I almost laughed at him aknowledging that he was getting in trouble due to my presence, but I held off. He didn't want to get out of the tub and began splashing us and throwing things out of the tub, I knew I was in for a battle. These situations always bring me back to the countless years of child life experience and training I did at Cook Children's hospital in Fort Worth. It's funny how that stuff actually applies later on in life...He was not willing to actually do anything I asked, so I picked him up in his towel kicking and screaming and took him to his room. I just sat with him on the floor in the "restraining position" as I call it, where his back is to my chest and I just wrap my arms and legs around him so he can't move. I learned this after a summer camp I did last year with Cook's, it's one of the only ways you can restrain kids in school and it's also the most effective because the kids are so close to you it's a good transition into feeling love when they calm down. He probably fought me for a good 10 minutes, it's funny to hear some of the things he says, and his progression of words. He always says "I'm so angry!" and I really just try to speak loving words to him, and somewhat reason with him. Finally, he just shouted, "I want some water!" and like that, he was calm. He asked Christel nicely for water, put his pull-up on, and got in bed. It was like turning off a light switch.

Even though yesterday was the hardest day, it was the most rewarding. Having to actually discipline the kids, but see the fruit of that, was a really rewarding feeling. I never want to feel like I'm "controlling" them all the time, so when I have to hold Wesley down, it's usually only after he's had a serious outburst. It's funny to see how he responds to me now, I can just give him a look or come into a room and he knows he's in trouble. Being back in a family setting has shown me just how sinful in nature we are. You can't teach kids to throw a fit, they didn't see that from you, and you can't teach them to say a lot of the things they do. But we're proned to certain sins, and even from a young age they are apparent. Wesley is a passionate kid, and will someday be an incredible young man who stands up for what he believes when everyone else is sitting down. But until then, his energy and passion is unharnassed, and it's up to his parents, and for a small time this week, for me and Christel, to channel that for him. There have been times when Christel and I have just looked at each other and thrown our hands up, like "we're never having kids!" But then we get to see Wesley Grant and Sally see their baby sister for the first time, or even hold Karis ourselves, then go through so much with the kiddos at home, that it makes me value family even more. I thought I knew how to parent until this week. Not to say I'm even close to being there, but I feel like I've seen some climpses of why God has given us children, and as Stew says, it's long, long periods of frustration and chaos, mixed with small glimpses of hope and reward :)

The Last Year...

2008-06-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

This one might take a while...

So for all of you that don't get to keep up with me on a regular basis (which is most of you :) I'm going to try to compact the last year into one blog entry. To sum up the last year of my life, I would have to say it was composed of countless "grace-filled blessings" as the Lord provided time and time again in ways I could have never imagined...

School-

I'll be a junior this August at The University of Texas-Austin, majoring in Political Communications and in the Bridging Disciplines Program for Social Inequality, Health, and Policy. The BDP is a bridge for students who want to study in an area that is not an offered major at UT, and also for students who want to gain undergraduate research experience to prepare them for grad school. I'm not sure if I'll do grad school yet, I've started to look into studying for the LSAT for law school next spring, but I really love the program. I was a member of Delta Delta Delta from my freshman year up until this last December when I made the hard decision to leave after I really felt my calling (and my finances!) was elsewhere. As much as I miss all the girls, I'm even closer to some of them now. Not to mention, the Lord used that experience to literally allow my story to be shared with the whole chapter after I left, I could not have asked for a better way to share the gospel with 200 girls. I've always enjoyed the academic side of college, and as I get more in depth in my studies, I really feel like I'm studying what I'm passionate about.

A Whole lot of Jesus-

Last summer, the Lord blessed me with a group of friends in Fort Worth that I was able to live out the gospel with all summer. I won't explain all of that story, if you read my old blogs from last summer you'll get all the good stuff :) When I came back to Austin last fall, I knew my heart was burdened to see the gospel lived out daily in my life and others. I have a huge heart for the poor and oppressed, and the Lord burdened me to fight for them here in Austin, to live with them, and experience Him in some of the darkest areas of the city. I'd been going to The Austin Stone Community Church (http://www.austinstone.org/) since my freshman year, and when I came back from doing house church in Ft. Worth all summer, I wasn't sure if a big congregation was really where God was calling me. But he was, and through some unbelievable circumstances, I was able to share my heart for missional community and living in East Austin with various members of the staff. Not only did they listen, but they took my passion to heart, and began equipping me for ministry. In the fall, I was mentored by a few people who were able to speak a lot of truth into my life, as well as wind in my sails. I was introduced to our community pastor Stew and his wife Kimberly in October and began to form an incredible relationship with them over the course of the fall and spring (more on that in a bit). When I came back from winter break, I wanted to see us but a college team in the St. John's neighborhood here (the poorest neighborhood in Austin, and my new home:) for Spring Break. What I had envisioned to be a small college urban-emersion trip, turned into being asked to put on a Spring Break Day Camp for over 100 Hispanic kids in the neighborhood. Having never even been to a VBS that I can remember, planning one in 2 months on top of being a full-time student and working an internship was quite the learning process. But once again, God provided and the week was the most amazing part of my semester. To read some of the stories from volunteers at the camp go to http://friendsofstjohns.blogspot.com/. After spring break, I came on staff at Austin Stone as the Local Missions College Intern. I literllay got to write my job description and have given an opportunity to do what I love, and get paid for it. Half of my duties rest in local missions outreach for our church, particularly here in St. John's, while the other half rest with the college ministry. As much as I was nervous about coming on staff (you hear a lot about people getting burned and turned off my church when they actually work for one) I could not be more overwhelmed with joy and gratitude for my position.

My Austin Family-

I mentioned Kimberly and Stew earlier, and this past spring I was part of their community group where we went through the world missions course called Perspectives. I honestly can't talk enough about these people, they have been one of the biggest blessings to ever walk into my life and I have never seen the gospel lived so clearly in a couple's life. Kimberly has become my "spritual momma" of sorts and has gone through a lot with me this past year. I just recently moved in with their family (Wesley Grant 3 1/2 and Sally 2) as we await the arrival of their 3rd child, Karis Elizabeth, anytime now! It's been sooo much fun to wake up to little legs and giggles running around in the morning. Sally loves all things girly, including my shoes and jewelry....

Stew and Kimberly also live in the St. John's neighborhood so it has given me the opportunity to live here sooner than I thought I would be able to. After this summer is up, I will move into another place close-by with my room mate Christel was was also in our community group and lives with the Stewart's this summer too.

Sudan
Through our community group, I met Jonathan and Lauren Ramirez who I'll be going to Sudan with this summer. Jonathan and Lauren part of what I call my "Austin Family," along with the rest of our community group. It's like having one of my sisters here in Austin with Lauren and having an older brother for the first time with Jonathan. About half of our community group will be going on this trip, which is nothing short of incredible. We're a little "traveling church" as we like to call it. While I was given the opportunity for Sudan early in the year, I was also given the opportunity to spend 6 weeks in Rwanda for an internship there. After a lot of prayer, I decided it was not my time for Rwanda yet, and I took the Austin Stone position and confirmed my heart to go to Sudan. What I love about this trip is that it is completely based on vision. We don't have a huge game-plan and we're going in to "fix" anything. We are the ones who are learning, and while the Didnga people may have nothing in terms of our American mindset, they have much more to give us than we ever could. I'm beyond excited to see how God will stir things in my heart during this time, everyone on this trip has a heart to go back long term and I really hope I get the chance to when I graduate in May 2010. The future blog entires I make will mostly be focused on the Sudan trip.

The Markovich Fam-

For those of you who don't know, my dad took a job with a small family-owned agriculture company in Lancaster, PA last May. We finally sold the Keller house in December and my mom moved there in January. They are in the heart of Amish country these days, but the town is absolutely beautiful. I got to visit them after school got out in May for a few days and fell in love with the area. While it's far from all of us girls, it's only about 90 minutes from Baltimore and D.C., and 3 hours from New York City.

Me and Mom at Rockefeller Center in NYC

Katie is still in the Dallas area and just recently made a job transition. She is looking into a few new job opportunites right now, as well as looking into going out into business on her own. I get to see her a couple times a semester and I wish I could see her more. Jen is still in KC and doing well, I got to see her last August for a wedding. It's become increasingly harder to get all 3 of us together, let alone our whole family now that we're spread all over. My mom's dad passed away in August 06 and she's spent a lot of time in Tennessee helping my aunt care for my grandmother. Dad's mom is still in the Atlanta area, and traveling more than any of us :).

Jen, Me, and Katie in August

That's about it! In a nutshell! I missed out a lot of stuff, but those are the good parts. I can't thank you all enough for your support and prayers for my trip. I've never raised support for anything before and it's been beautiful to see how God confirms your call through that as the support indeed comes in. If you would still like to contribute to our trip or join the prayer team, email me at jrmarkovich@mail.utexas.edu. I love all of you sooo very much!

"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour." -Luke 1:47

The Present Kingdom

2007-06-28T22:03:00.001-07:00

Just got to talk to a friend from school tonight, whooo it was awesome. I haven't gotten to talk to a lot of my friends down in Austin this summer because everyone is working a freaking camp somewhere!! Haha, it's all good though, I still love them all and miss them like crazy. But it just made my night for 10 minutes to get a glimpse into what the Lord is doing in my friend's life, and share a little bit about what he's doing in mine. Man, it freakin pumps me up :). Last week I kind of went through this thing where I got a little scared to go back to school, like I'd go back and fail or something. That's probably always been one of my biggest fears, that'd I'll fail at something big, not that it's important to me but that it's important to the people I love. I think we all harbor a little bit of that fear, we put so much emphasis on how other people view us and that attributes to our success. How screwed up is that? Yet it's so hard to get away from. The Lord has really stripped me of that feeling within the past year and particularly this summer. I'll always be "successful" as long as I'm living for him, even when I "screw" up. That's just it, there's no such thing as a "successful" life, just a FULL life. That's what I want. I don't really care about what job I'm going to have (as long as I don't sit in an office), or where I live, or what car I drive, working for all those things means just that, you're going to always be working for/looking for something better. I finished Velvet Elvis last week and this week I started Rob Bell's new book Sex God (easy there), it's about relating spirituality to sexuality. Intriguing, yes, go out and buy it, really makes you think of your surroundings on a completely spiritual level. Rob Bell really tries to emphasize the whole "Kingdom of God is among you" idea, which is really more of a truth than an idea. That's just it, you can't escape the truth of that. We're in one of God's kingdoms right now, and how are we treating it? Are we just ready to move to the next one? Are we really living for this one NOW? We all fall short of that, I know I do. But I've been thinking a lot about how we step into that Kingdom now, breath it, eat it, sleep it, live it. Whooo! It gives me chills to think of the immense power we have within Jesus Christ. I mean seriously, we can rock the socks off this world right now! I'll catch myself lately just wanting to quit school and go move someplace crazy like Africa or Indonesia. Just engulf myself in other cultures and soak up their love of life, see what Christ's passion looks like half-way accross the globe. Maybe I'll just be a little nomad for the rest of my life, man my dad would love that one! Then I say to myself, wait a second, that "Kingdom" is right here too, even in little old Keller, Texas. So for now I'll fight the urge to jump on a plane and never come back :) (even though I am getting on that plane sometime soon). I don't want to always be waiting for the "next" thing in my life, Lord let me just soak up what you've put in my life now!! Don't let me waste time worrying about the next moment, but let me cherish and glorify you in the present!

A Prideful Heartache

2007-06-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

It’s been an interesting week to say the least…A lot’s happened and it’s taking me a little while to wrap my head around it all. The Lord put some things into overdrive this week and I’ve had a couple moments where I felt like I really need to slam on the “breaks” if you know what I mean. The power of prayer continues to kick me in the butt. It’s amazing how faithful the Lord is when we give him control over our lives and I don’t mean ask him for the things “we want,” I mean handing him the things we think we want and letting him decide what’s right for us, or for others. One thing that happened this week was my parents sold our house, kind of weird, still can’t wrap my head around all that. I’ve known they’re moving to Pennsylvania for a couple of months (my dad’s already there) but I guess I never let it sink it. A lot has changed for me since then too, which led me to kind of push that whole “moving” idea into the back of my mind. I also chopped my hair off this week…not really a huge deal but one of those “weight off your shoulders” moments, literally. I don’t have an attachment to hair so I kind of did it on a whim and since my friend was the one cutting it I just gave her free reign. While I was getting it cut we talked about a lot of stuff, as most hairstylists and their clients do, but it was kind of crazy to talk about how the Lord’s putting us on the same page with so much. It’s just like this transition thing we’ve got going on, and I think so many people are in it too. We’re sitting watching life go by, having yearned for so long to just pursue Christ with all our hearts and get past this whole “American Dream” thing that’s been shoved down our throats, just not aware of how to do it. But now it’s happening, we see the footprints he’s laid before us and all we have to do is jump in. Just jump. Scary. Really scary. But exciting. The last sermon I went to at the Village talked about dreaming “Godly Dreams” for your children. Wow. Could you do ever do anything more for them??? Well, since I don’t have any kids, or am even close (that boat isn’t even at harbor if you know what I mean), I thought all week about what it means to dream those dreams for ourselves, and for the ones we love. Mind you, this isn’t “gee I hope I’ll get that golf swing down” or “man, if only I could make 6 figures!” We’re talking about Godly dreams, the ones God has in store for us when we go after Him first and foremost. The dreams where we live in the Kingdom of Heaven now, not tip-toe into it when our earthly bodies die, but the one where we run to it NOW.

I just finished Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, kick A book you should read it. In there he talks about bringing living in the Kingdom today,

“True spirituality then is not about escaping this world to some other place where we will be forever. A Christian is not someone who expects to spend forever in heaven there. A Christian is someone who anticipates spending forever here, in a new heaven that comes to earth.”

I finished this earlier in the week, and like I said, it was an eventful week. Yet again, God graced me with so much more than I deserve (P.S. I learned a lot about grace this week, but we’ll get to that later). On Saturday we went down to Lancaster again and put on a little “jam” session, it was pretty tight I must say. Our friends Tay and Thomas sang and jammed for us, along with a bunch of their friends and ours. These people have more spiritual wisdom than anyone I’ve ever seen, it’s incredible. It’s like when they sing, the words that echo from the mic are only a fraction of the burning that’s in their hearts. You can see it in their eyes. There’s no show involved, they just get down to business. Not many people make me feel really young, but talking to Thomas makes me feel spiritually immature, and I am. Then again, he makes us all look like amateurs. He can sit there and tell me about how he went to jail for petty theft, and how he went back a couple of times for missing his parole hearings, but there is no bitterness in his heart about these things you know why? Thomas is first to admit that his pride got him in jail, his pride kept him there, and then his pride sent him back. This man is homeless! He never went to college, never read a self-help book or watched Dr. Phil to know he had to man up to his immaturity. He doesn’t complain about being homeless, he’s never even mentioned it to me. He only talks about the Lord, his family, his friends, and music. His character bursts with authenticity and honesty. Man I hope I can one day harbor half of the spirit that man has. More and more I see that by having “nothing” (and by nothing I mean the material things we’ve been told have meaning) we have so much more spiritually. It’s not an easy place to get to, especially in the culture we live in, and sometimes I catch myself wondering how the heck I could ever get to such a place. That’s where the transition phase comes in. We’re “in between” journeys here, ready to catch the next plane but a little scared to fly at the same time. But that’s when we look around and notice we’re not the only ones standing at the ticket counter ready to board, there’s a whole family beside us, ready to embark on the journey with us. So while we’re “transitioning” around these days, the Lord is placing people in our paths with the same anxieties and fears, but also with the same heart beat.

I ended the weekend at a John Mayer concert so I find it appropriate to use some of his lyrics to wrap up this week…“Someday I’ll fly/someday I’ll soar/Someday I’ll be/ something much more/Cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for…” So here’s to dreaming some Godly dreams this week…just get ready to soar when you do

Humbled in His presence...

2007-06-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

So here's where it gets tough...I've got to confess what I've been struggling with lately. I struggle with judgement, and not with people I don't know, but with those I know and love the best. The Lord's been working on my heart with this for a while now, and praise His name that my eyes have been unveiled to it in the last year. I can do whatever I want to change the inside, but ONLY Christ Jesus can transform my heart, praise be to Him! This is where Satan likes to latch onto us when we're pursuing Christ. He likes to whisper in our ears that we've got it all figured out, that this new way of thinking is the "best way" or the "only way." Who am I to tell someone that how they pursue Christ is wrong? I am NOTHING but a beggar in the same line as they are, reaching for the same goal.

We've really been burdened with this going to downtown Ft. Worth. We're working with a homeless ministry there to buy this building and turn it into an outreach/resource center for the community off of East Lancaster. It would be a place where people could store their belongings (so crucial for these people you would not believe), get a mailbox, and hopefully have a voicemail system all in the hopes of getting them permanently off the streets. Literally this has the potential to transform the homeless community down there and even erase it completely from the area. Yet one of the things we've been humbled by (thank you Jesus!) is that feeding these people will do them little good, they don't "want our sandwich" as we've been told countless times. But for years churches have gone down there to hand out food, trying to serve these people the best way they think possible. It's easy to sit here and point the finger, tell them they're enabling the problem, tell them we have "the answer." But who are we? Who are we to claim our way is God's way? We can't, and God help us not to! Let us only cry out for more for these people. Let us only reach down into our own pockets for more than money. Let us fall flat on our faces, begging God to show us his will!

We have no right to harbor bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, or anything else in vain. We have no right because Jesus was given these rights and he turned them away. He was given the Kingdom of Heaven and all of its riches, only to come down to earth and shed all his "rights" for our eternal salvation. Yet we can't help it. We harbour it, store it up, maybe even seek out more. I'm guilty of it, and I hate it. I hate that I can't let things go. I hate that I only want to unconditionally love others and seek nothing in return, yet as hard I try to avoid it I still sometimes get disappointed when it's not returned. For this reason I fall on my face and cry out to Jesus to forgive me for my pride. How did he do this? How did he love us so much? How did he bear the burden of our sin all while giving us his Kingdom in return? Tonight I am utterly humbled by his presence. He is SOO faithful in this journey how do I ever think for a second he will not deliver? Lord let me continue to fall on my face. Let me continue to be humbled again and again by your word. Let me give you all glory for your faitfullness that I am completely undeserving of...

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any afflection and sympathy, complete my job by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in HUMILITY count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 2:1-5

Taking back Jesus' Neighborhood

2007-06-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

"poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me"

I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen this morning. As I sat talking to a man at the Resource Center on Lancaster this morning, I watched as my friend Becca went and got some paper and a pen to sit down with a woman and teach her how to read and write. Um, WOW. That is some radically lovin right there...There was a patience about it all, a geniune care for this woman she had only met a few minutes prior. Yet I don't think she doubted doing it for one minute. That's the character of Christ, unconditional love. You want to know how miracles happen??? Let's talk about how Becca and I were barely even friends in high school. Yet Christ worked on both our hearts for the past year, brought us together on the same beat, and before we knew it we were trying to figure out how to live this thing together. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

I cease to be amazed by the wisdom of those who "have the least" in this world. As much as we have to give to them, we have so much more to learn from them. We've type-casted them on the outskirts of society, yet they are living much more authentic lives than any of us could ever dream of!! The single mom on her own, the homeless man under the bridge, the teenage prostitute trying to support her family, they all impart a wisdom that utters to the heart of Christ. I've really been thinking lately what it would look like for us to become communities of believers again. Now I don't just mean round up all your Christian friends and throw them in a house, I mean like live on the same street as "the least of them." Live out your life alongside them, with them. Yeah it's scary, but do we really have a choice?

"So what must we do?

Here in the west we want to follow you

We speak the language and we keep all the rules

Even a few we made up

Come on and follow me

But sell your house, sell your suv

Sell your stocks, sell your security

And give it to the poor

What is this, hey what’s the deal?

I don’t sleep around and i don’t steal

I want the things you just can’t give me"

This incredible thing is taking place under our feet, under the church buildings, and it's about to happen right before our eyes. It's more than a movement, because we're using more than our feet, it's a revolution, transformed by our hands, feet, eyes, ears, hearts, souls, minds. We're not judging what's behind us, or even what we sit in now, we're just crying out that Jesus demands more, and we desire with all our hearts, soul, and mind to give it to Him. So many of us are groaning for the same things and we haven't even talked before...that's what you call Jesus' righteousness right there. It's not a blueprint, it's not a another set of rules to abide by, it's simply being driven by our hearts, our desire to live our lives as close to the beat of Christ as possible. To hold his children, ALL HIS CHILDREN, against our breast and cry for the same heartache, ache for the same pains, and forgive for the same sins. Let us not forget we are all beggars at the feet of Christ. None of us could ever be worthy of a drop of his righteousness on our own, but that's why we have each other. The bible was first and foremost a communal book, people had to wrestle in it together because there was no other choice. Yet now that it's the most published book in the world, we can keep it to ourselves, or better yet, keep it on the shelves...

"Because what you do to the least of these

My brother’s, you have done it to me

Because I want the things you just can’t give me"

Lord, let us get back to this place of community! Let us wrestle, question, beg, laugh, cry, hunger, toil, beat, and LOVE together once again! Let us shine light upon your Kingdom, the Kingdom that "is upon us", and let us not waste one drop of its glory on anybody but you...

Lovin' on East Lancaster

2007-06-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

So please excuse what will probably be countless errors and maybe even some fuzzy thoughts seeing as I'm writing this from the end of my incredibly long day!!! Let's just start this by saying I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, partly because I was out bowling until 1 a.m. (of which I owned those lanes by the way:) and partly because I woke up the lovely sound of my sick sister (I think she just caught the flu...and the bathroom didn't exactly make out easy if you know what I mean). Regardless, I pulled myself out of bed and down to Starbuck's to meet up with everyone for a beautiful morning of some downtown lovin, mmmm.

I love going down to Lancaster. The people there have such character, not to mention ARE such characters...there's never a dull moment that's for sure. There were a lot more people this Saturday than last, and it was just a little bit hotter (ok a lot). I was disappointed not to find my friend William from last week, but I'll keep looking for him. One scene from today that really captured my heart was this old man trying to get to his belongings that were locked behind an outside cage at the Resource Center. I don't know why he couldn't get in it (maybe he could of just asked someone) but to stand there and watch him struggle to reach his bag with a stick just so he could take something out was heartbreaking. These people have nothing and what little they do carry with them is either left unattended in the streets or "locked away in a cage." I can't even begin to think what I would carry with me on an everyday basis if that's all I had in life, could you? It's also pretty easy to see that drugs are definately the devil's candy down there. It's sad but yet it's so much more frustrating to think of what these people's lives could have/will be without them. I don't think it's an unrealistic goal. And to see so many people my own age! To think I get to go to college and get an education while they suffer on the streets, how blessed am I? Again, it's not about going down there to give them a meal. Yes, they are incredibly greatful for that, but look around, you won't see many starving bodies if you know what I mean. Today we talked to a young couple who, while eating their hot dog so graciously given by a local church mission, stood there and told us they wished the churches would just stop giving out food because it makes that life too easy. This is where I see the changes we have to make as a church BODY, not just a building or a denomination or whatever. What if we all got on the same page as one force of God's children? Dang, talk about moving some mountains...more and more I see that's what has to happen, and not just with the homeless. If we break out of those buildings just a little bit to see what our church neighbors are doing next door, maybe we can then see the people we're called to serve living down the street...

Try this parable on for size...

2007-06-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

So one of the first times we met for my rhetoric class last semester, my professor told us a non-canonical parable Jesus had told (non-canonical meaning not found in the New Testament). The parable is Rabbidic tradition and is almost impossible to find (or as he said, "you can't google this one"). From the moment he recited it to us, something inside me took a hold of it. It spoke so much truth to me as well as got me thinking, alot. Part of our final of sorts at the end of the year was to re-tell the parable. Since I'd already re-told it to pretty much everyone I knew, it wasn't too much of a stretch for me. What I love about it is that it's so profoundly what Jesus' parables were about, asking questions, "flipping the tables" if you will on how we view the world vs. what Jesus' was bringing to the world. See for yourself...

The Grain Merchant's Parable:
There once was a successful grain merchant who had an assistant. His assistant always did what he was told, never questioning his master's orders. The two worked side-by-side for years and the merchant fully entrusted his business to his assistant. His assistant had numerous opportunities to steal or scam both his master or their customers, but he never did. One day it came out that the merchant had been fixing the scales, and he himself had been cheating his customers out of money without his assistant's knowledge. The two were tried for their crimes. The judge gave the merchant his sentence, more like a slap on the wrist if you will, but for his assistant he said, "but for you, you will recieve the harshest penalty." The assistant was astonished, asking the judge "but how your honor? I have done nothing wrong, I was completely faithfull to my master and only did what was asked of me!" The judge replied, "exactly, but your morality hid an immorality."

Don't get it? That's ok, that's usually how Jesus liked it anyways :). To me, picking up your cross doesn't mean walking in a straight line up the mountain with your head to the ground. It means looking around you, seeing who's walking beside you, picking up their cross when they can't go any further, and maybe even saying, why walk to the Kingdom when we could run, even if the burden is hard to bear? It's ok to question things, Jesus demanded this from us! His parables were nuts! They made no sense to the audiences that heard them. The Kingdom of God is like a mustard seed? Now why would I want to be a part of something that destroys all my crops? Because it brings new life, it grows among the weeds and the roses, it is small, but it multiplies (and maybe it makes a good condiment, but personally mustard grosses me out:). As Shane Claiborne says, It is grace in a "scandalous" disguise...

Breaking down the walls to build up the body

2007-06-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

It's time for a little bit of reflection over the last week...WOW. That kind of sums it up. Has it really only been a week? I mean, yes, it's been a while now that I've had a lot of these thoughts, but as far as putting them in motion goes, yeah that's only been a week. Last night we got to come together for some conversations, prayer, worship, and love. Sound like a church service to you? Well, if you call a bunch of passionate believers who sit around for four hours trying to figure out how we can build up and transform the body of Christ, then sure. But I've never really been to a service like that and something tells me you haven't either. Not to say that it's not out there though because one of the things I've also learned is that there are some radical people in this world living that gospel day in and day out. But why don't we all as "Christians" burn just as passionately? Why is it so hard for us to take the gospels seriously? I think Jesus has a great sense of humor, atleast towards me anyways, but I doubt he was joking about the "sell all your posessions and give to the poor" thing, or "take up your cross and follow me." I think that's a question we need to desperately answer. When I say Jesus has a sense of humor, it's because I think it's funny that I think about stuff during a week, and then I go to a service and it seems to miraculously be the topic. Ok, maybe that's not funny to you, but I think it is. I went to the Village for the first time on Saturday and their current series is begging that question (podcast it baby, it'll rock your socks off). But I don't know how to fully answer that either. I think it's a multitude of things, especially for people living in this country. We don't burn passionately for the Lord because we really don't HAVE to, we have the American Dream to keep us "happy" for life. And isn't it ironic that we've attached Christianity to that whole thing anyways? Like yes, Jesus wants us all to have the white picket fence and drive an SUV! Now don't get me wrong here either, I can't sit here and judge us for these things (I am sitting in my parent's upper-middle class house right now), but I can say that I think we're missing it. Have you ever noticed that the US is just about the only country where people don't send missionaries to? And as part of the US, we send our "body" to every corner of the globe, except for down the street. I really believe there is coming a day when this cute little sign we have sitting over us reading, "hey look, we've got it all together, and oh yeah, we love Jesus too!" gets a little dose of spiritual transparency, you know what I mean?

One of the beautiful things about when we come together is the power of prayer. It's not a go around the circle, say a prayer request and hope someone remembers it later this week thing. If we have something to pray about, we stop and we do it for as long as we feel like necessary. And man, is that some powerful stuff. I think we make it too easy to pray sometimes. We pray for the easy stuff in life, that would probably happen anyways, but we just have to "make sure God hears what WE want" so we throw it in there. What about the hard stuff? Do we pray for the things we have absolutely no idea how they could go? Do we pray for the things we're scared to get answered? Do we pray for the people that it's hardest for us to love? That's when we really start to see things transform. As the body of Christ, we are so much more than people you can shove into a building. We are his hands, his feet, his eyes, his ears, his mind, his heart. We are so much more than walls! Yet it's become mechanic for us to just go once a week, maybe even more, drop some money in the offering basket, maybe even go on one mission trip a year. But what are we doing with the time in between? Are we still connected to the body of Christ? Or do we press the pause button on Jesus because we just can't be those hands for him today...

One of the girls in our group last night made a great point that really echoes into the heart of the power we have to transform this world. Jesus left the whole "blueprint" if you will, of the church up to 12 disciples, only 12! So basically, 12 men got this thing going (with a little help from JC of course). So just what kind of power do we have as an even greater body of believers?

Jesus has a gang?

2007-06-02T13:31:00.001-07:00

So I got to do something pretty rad today. This morning (after a lovely 5:30 am wakeup, woohoo) I met up with some of the people I'm working with (more like discipling from) this summer to head down to Lancaster Ave. in Ft. Worth where they serve the homeless every Saturday morning. And by serve I don't mean hand them a meal and a bible verse, I mean listen to them, try in help them with whatever we can, and just love on them. Initially, we stand on the corner of a vacant lot and hand out water to people as they are let out of the shelters for the day. Michael, who head's up a ministry for the homeless, has built a relationship with many of these people so it's a really incredibly friendly atmosphere. After a while we walked down to what's called a "resource center" where people go after they get out of the shelters. As we were standing and talking amongst ourselves, a guy sitting at a nearby table asked us "who yall with?" And, since nobody heard/answered, I told him we were all together and working with Lighthouse Community Church (after I asked Morgan the exact name of the church, oops!) So I walked over and sat next to this guy, started talking with him. He asked what we were doing and I told him a little bit about their plans to buy a building nearby. I also made sure to tell him I was a "newbie" and couldn't justly answer a lot of his questions or even explain in detail what exactly the plans are. But we got to talking, and William starting spilling his frustrations to me, talking about how they called this place a "resource center" when there were no resources around. He told me some of his ideas for what a real resource center would look like, and I couldn't help but become captured by his intelligence and heart. His ideas were also eerily similar to many of the ones that Lighthouse and I.G. have envisioned for the building. He told me that some people around here are just content with the way things are, but he isn't. I'll never forget one of the first things he asked me, he said "look around, you don't see many people here right now, you know why? It's the beginning of the month and they just all got their checks." They have no idea what to do with it, they can't get bank accounts because 1- they don't have ID's and 2-they don't know how to manage them. We talked about a time when he was part of a gang in Chicago that ended up becoming a "gang of disciples" as he called it, his passion for Jesus was also beautifully present. He sat there, spilling his heart to me with such raw honesty, confessing that one day he hoped to get his life in order and do some of these things, but right now, right now he's an addict. I had to leave William sooner than I wanted to, but I won't forget our conversation, nor will I forget him. Hopefully I will be able to see him again next week, and continue to turn his ideas into our actions.

What strikes me so much about his story is how we're taught to stand on the other side of the street to a man like William. Like he's scary or something. There was nothing scary about a 25 year old man who is trying to seek after a better life, as well as Christ, yet can't help but get caught in the crossfire of the American Dream. Can some of these people go and get jobs, yes. Are some of them content sleeping in shelters for the rest of their lives, yes. But the majority are hungry for more than a meal, they just don't know how to stand in line for an open heart to listen. Is there even a line for such a thing? Look into the eyes of a man like William and just tell him to "go get a job," something tells me you couldn't do it, your heart wouldn't let you.

So Encouraged

2007-06-01T19:12:00.002-07:00

Wow. So once again the Lord has completely rocked my world this week. I really didn't know what I was being led into with all this, but he has been COMPLETELY faithful in everything I've gone after. I can't even begin to say how encouraging it has been to hear from so many people, people I've known for years and those I've barely met. Wow. It's been yet another testimony that the heart of Christ is not only alive but thriving in so many people today. We're a groaning generation and the things we're yearning for are so purely from the heart that it's breaking in two. Today I got to meet with two different girls on two different occasions that I went to high school with. I was never close to them for four years but today we connected on such a beautiful and transparent level. I drove home just praising God for being so faithful and so truthful in my life and in their lives lately. I know my encouragement will not last forever and I know there will be many trying days ahead of me. But today, today I am wooed by the Spirit like never before. I'm greatful for every compliment I've been given, but the most encouraging thing came from my mom, after I tried to explain to her at 6 am what I had done the night before and what I would be doing with my summer she asked me "you're not joining a cult are you?" ha, no mom, but if people who are trying to live out the gospel every day are a cult, then yeah, you can report me to the FBI. I know she was mostly joking but there was some truth to that. What's encourages me most about it is that if she think's I'm a bit nutty, then I must be doing something right :) Being complimented is awesome, being told I'm a little crazy is more like it...

A year of transparencies

2007-05-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

This past year of my life has been an inredible spiritual revolution. I sit and think about all that I've gone through, how I've changed, where I'm going now, and pretty much laugh with awe-struck wonder at how ignorant we are to ever thinking we have our lives planned out. Before I really get going on this little "experiment" of mine, I think it's crucial that I fill you on on what's gotten me to this point, don't worry, not a life testimony, just a year of transparencies as I'll call it that have pushed me into the heart of Christ...

I almost died, literally. I won't go into detail but basically I sat on a ruptured appendix for 5 days, thinking I had the flu, ha! My surgeon told me it was the worst case he had ever seen and said I was a lucky girl. Lucky, ehhh maybe, blessed, yeah that seems a little more appropriate. Two things came from that: 1) Listen to Bria Bolton when she tells you to go to the doctor and 2) God must really want me to stick around for a little while, and I'm ok with that :)

I developed the most incredible relationships with people. And I don't mean the OMG, my BFF's for life!! type of friendships, I mean truly pursuing people and being pursued. One of the greatest lessons I learned was about being transparent with people (thank you Maggie Clark!), being bold with them and with the gospel. You want to be a living image of Christ? Go after someone's heart and see what it does to their soul, it might just change yours in the process...

I fell in love, and fell HARD. Most of you who knew me before this were as shocked as I was when this came about. I've never been one to date, kind of prided myself on that whole "independence" thing for a while. But things always happen when you least expect it and that part of my life has definately impacted me in so many ways. What I've learned from it and how I've grown could fill these pages forever. I do know that it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever felt and I look forward to the day when I can become intertwined in it's intricacies once again. My heart has some high standards to live up to and to think that the joy a human being can fill me with is just a fraction of the joy Christ has in store for me when I pursue him First and Foremost. Christ is my first love, and my last love, and I will take everyone in between as a blessing.

This will probably be the only shpeal on the subject but guys, know that there are good women out there who will love you, support you, and treasure you. Not all girls are...you know the word...and not all need drama to keep their lives going. Girls, there are incredible guys out there that aren't jerks, I know many of them (ask me and I might set you up :). They may not be perfect, but neither are you. I will say this, a love with each other is nothing without the love of Christ first. I'll never forget Matt Carter telling us to "run towards Christ as fast and as hard as you can, then look around you and see who's running with you." He is your first love, and don't let the ways of the world let you be jealous of the fact that your partner's heart truly belongs to another. Always let them pursue him first and foremost, and when your time comes, God will bless you with something so incredible you'll wonder how you could of ever been so impatient...

Ok enough of that stuff...I also cry now, apparently a lot. What cracks me up about this is that I DON'T cry, or didn't. I cry out of sympathy, happiness, sadness, frustration, etc., and sometimes for no reason at all (which usually turns into me laughing at myself). But I learned it's actually ok to do this. Learn to cry out of love, love for another person, and love for yourself. Love something so hard that it breaks your heart in two. I've done this a lot with people lately, but particularly I've begun to do this with my faith, thinking of the day when I'll stand before the throne and lay my crowns down as a beggar before my King's feet...ugh here it comes again!! I really got tired of spontaneously combusting if you will, but then I learned to embrace it, for it's a sign my heart truly believes the things I think it does...

I took a class that rocked my world. It was called "Rhetoric of the Gospels and the Historical Jesus." The reviews said it was not an easy class for many Christians to take, but needing a challenge in that department, I took it. Actually, I got on a long waitlist for it, couldn't get it off my mind, emailed the professor the night before and miraculously got in the class. Seriously, I know it was totally driven by the Spirit because my professor told me at the end of the year he never let people in the class and didn't really know why he let me do it other than it was last minute, I was definately an exception... But this class showed me the most truly raw, genuine portrait of Jesus. Not the one we gloss over in church on Sundays, but the one that calls us to be radical, the way Christ was radical. Ask me about this class and I could talk to you abou it forever...

I've come to realize that our faith must not just be personal, it must illuminate the people and things in our lives everyday. We have to share it, and let others share theirs with us. We seem to highlight the personal relationship with Christ so much these days, yet I can't help but think, what if Christ decided to keep his relationship personal, well dang, we'd all be in big trouble then! All I know is that there are people and places in this world that don't have the strength right now that we do. While we sit here and think about how we can continue to improve ourselves (self-help if you will) we let so many who hunger for food, for water, for peace, for understanding, for respect, and just simply for love, to slip through the cracks because of our own selfishness. It's not about giving your time or your money, it's about giving your heart, and all of it, even when you don't think you have anything left to give, then you know it's time to give some more.

Finally, I'm about to embark on a journey this summer that will transform my life, it already has begun. That's why I'm writing this, to let you all know about it. I'm a pretty private person so the idea of putting my deepest thoughts, fears, emotions, and struggles out for people to see is really freaking me out right now, but I'll try to keep that at a minimum for a while

Here We Go...

2007-05-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

So this is totally a first for me...I've never considered myself a writer, more of a life enthusiast if you will, passionate about many things but more likely to spill about them when prompted rather than to express them in writing. However, I can't seem to get one thought out of my head: what would it look like to live our lives as if we were writing our own gospel? I mean really take up our crosses, shed the skin of this world for the eternal Kingdom that rests at our fingertips. As I've let the spirit of Christ transform me this year, I've realized more and more that having the personal relationship with him means nothing if I can't translate that to my relationship with others. Yes, our personal relationship is first and foremost, that is the greatest commandment, but let us not forget that second one (the one that is like it...) to love our neighbors as ourselves. Sure, I'm a nice person, I consider myself generous in many ways, but so what? Has that generosity ever made me uneasy? Has it ever put me in my place? Have I ever looked into someone's eyes and seen the heart of Jesus in them because they are so broken that he is all they have left inside? I fall drastically short of this in my lifetime, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that causes me to fall short of Christ's greatest hope for us. He left his children, all his children, in our hands only for us to drop them by the wasteside so we can fix ourselves first. Unfortunately none of us will ever be "fixed," we are all intricately screwed up and retched in our own ways, there's no denying that. But that must not keep us from fulfilling Christ's call for us, and it is not an easy call to fill. No, in fact it is will cause us to leave the things of this world by the wasteside, drop everything, pick up our crosses, and follow him. This is where our gospel comes in, the one each of us is called to write in the lamb's book of life. What would that look like? What would it feel like? How would we do it? For that I do not have the answers, and that's why I'm writing this. I don't have the answers, but together, together we can converse enough, converge enough, to transform our lives as closely into the lives of Christ as we can. Scary? you bet your cute little bottom it is. Worth it? We will never be able to grasp even the the tiniest idea of how undeserving we are of this calling, but it is ours and we must not waste time trying to grasp what we will never reach. I feel my life taking a radical turn, one that will push me into areas I'm terrified to confront. What I envisioned my summer being a few months a go is a far cry from where it's going now. But here's the beauty in it all, Christ is holding my hand the whole way. He's telling me, "it's ok my child, I never promised you the ride wouldn't be rocky, the journey wouldn't be hard, but I did promise to wrap my arms around you the whole way." So I'm wrapping back, and I'd love nothing more than to share that story with you this summer, maybe for many summers to come. Read, don't read, comment, call, laugh, cry, just converse in your head or with others, whatever tickles your fancy. I'm not attempting to be profound with this, I'm not saying anything new, but I am trying this little thing called living radically. I'll leave you with a question I ponder every day...What would your gospel look like?