A year of transparencies

This past year of my life has been an inredible spiritual revolution. I sit and think about all that I've gone through, how I've changed, where I'm going now, and pretty much laugh with awe-struck wonder at how ignorant we are to ever thinking we have our lives planned out. Before I really get going on this little "experiment" of mine, I think it's crucial that I fill you on on what's gotten me to this point, don't worry, not a life testimony, just a year of transparencies as I'll call it that have pushed me into the heart of Christ...

I almost died, literally. I won't go into detail but basically I sat on a ruptured appendix for 5 days, thinking I had the flu, ha! My surgeon told me it was the worst case he had ever seen and said I was a lucky girl. Lucky, ehhh maybe, blessed, yeah that seems a little more appropriate. Two things came from that: 1) Listen to Bria Bolton when she tells you to go to the doctor and 2) God must really want me to stick around for a little while, and I'm ok with that :)

I developed the most incredible relationships with people. And I don't mean the OMG, my BFF's for life!! type of friendships, I mean truly pursuing people and being pursued. One of the greatest lessons I learned was about being transparent with people (thank you Maggie Clark!), being bold with them and with the gospel. You want to be a living image of Christ? Go after someone's heart and see what it does to their soul, it might just change yours in the process...

I fell in love, and fell HARD. Most of you who knew me before this were as shocked as I was when this came about. I've never been one to date, kind of prided myself on that whole "independence" thing for a while. But things always happen when you least expect it and that part of my life has definately impacted me in so many ways. What I've learned from it and how I've grown could fill these pages forever. I do know that it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever felt and I look forward to the day when I can become intertwined in it's intricacies once again. My heart has some high standards to live up to and to think that the joy a human being can fill me with is just a fraction of the joy Christ has in store for me when I pursue him First and Foremost. Christ is my first love, and my last love, and I will take everyone in between as a blessing.

This will probably be the only shpeal on the subject but guys, know that there are good women out there who will love you, support you, and treasure you. Not all girls are...you know the word...and not all need drama to keep their lives going. Girls, there are incredible guys out there that aren't jerks, I know many of them (ask me and I might set you up :). They may not be perfect, but neither are you. I will say this, a love with each other is nothing without the love of Christ first. I'll never forget Matt Carter telling us to "run towards Christ as fast and as hard as you can, then look around you and see who's running with you." He is your first love, and don't let the ways of the world let you be jealous of the fact that your partner's heart truly belongs to another. Always let them pursue him first and foremost, and when your time comes, God will bless you with something so incredible you'll wonder how you could of ever been so impatient...

Ok enough of that stuff...I also cry now, apparently a lot. What cracks me up about this is that I DON'T cry, or didn't. I cry out of sympathy, happiness, sadness, frustration, etc., and sometimes for no reason at all (which usually turns into me laughing at myself). But I learned it's actually ok to do this. Learn to cry out of love, love for another person, and love for yourself. Love something so hard that it breaks your heart in two. I've done this a lot with people lately, but particularly I've begun to do this with my faith, thinking of the day when I'll stand before the throne and lay my crowns down as a beggar before my King's feet...ugh here it comes again!! I really got tired of spontaneously combusting if you will, but then I learned to embrace it, for it's a sign my heart truly believes the things I think it does...

I took a class that rocked my world. It was called "Rhetoric of the Gospels and the Historical Jesus." The reviews said it was not an easy class for many Christians to take, but needing a challenge in that department, I took it. Actually, I got on a long waitlist for it, couldn't get it off my mind, emailed the professor the night before and miraculously got in the class. Seriously, I know it was totally driven by the Spirit because my professor told me at the end of the year he never let people in the class and didn't really know why he let me do it other than it was last minute, I was definately an exception... But this class showed me the most truly raw, genuine portrait of Jesus. Not the one we gloss over in church on Sundays, but the one that calls us to be radical, the way Christ was radical. Ask me about this class and I could talk to you abou it forever...

I've come to realize that our faith must not just be personal, it must illuminate the people and things in our lives everyday. We have to share it, and let others share theirs with us. We seem to highlight the personal relationship with Christ so much these days, yet I can't help but think, what if Christ decided to keep his relationship personal, well dang, we'd all be in big trouble then! All I know is that there are people and places in this world that don't have the strength right now that we do. While we sit here and think about how we can continue to improve ourselves (self-help if you will) we let so many who hunger for food, for water, for peace, for understanding, for respect, and just simply for love, to slip through the cracks because of our own selfishness. It's not about giving your time or your money, it's about giving your heart, and all of it, even when you don't think you have anything left to give, then you know it's time to give some more.

Finally, I'm about to embark on a journey this summer that will transform my life, it already has begun. That's why I'm writing this, to let you all know about it. I'm a pretty private person so the idea of putting my deepest thoughts, fears, emotions, and struggles out for people to see is really freaking me out right now, but I'll try to keep that at a minimum for a while

Here We Go...

So this is totally a first for me...I've never considered myself a writer, more of a life enthusiast if you will, passionate about many things but more likely to spill about them when prompted rather than to express them in writing. However, I can't seem to get one thought out of my head: what would it look like to live our lives as if we were writing our own gospel? I mean really take up our crosses, shed the skin of this world for the eternal Kingdom that rests at our fingertips. As I've let the spirit of Christ transform me this year, I've realized more and more that having the personal relationship with him means nothing if I can't translate that to my relationship with others. Yes, our personal relationship is first and foremost, that is the greatest commandment, but let us not forget that second one (the one that is like it...) to love our neighbors as ourselves. Sure, I'm a nice person, I consider myself generous in many ways, but so what? Has that generosity ever made me uneasy? Has it ever put me in my place? Have I ever looked into someone's eyes and seen the heart of Jesus in them because they are so broken that he is all they have left inside? I fall drastically short of this in my lifetime, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that causes me to fall short of Christ's greatest hope for us. He left his children, all his children, in our hands only for us to drop them by the wasteside so we can fix ourselves first. Unfortunately none of us will ever be "fixed," we are all intricately screwed up and retched in our own ways, there's no denying that. But that must not keep us from fulfilling Christ's call for us, and it is not an easy call to fill. No, in fact it is will cause us to leave the things of this world by the wasteside, drop everything, pick up our crosses, and follow him. This is where our gospel comes in, the one each of us is called to write in the lamb's book of life. What would that look like? What would it feel like? How would we do it? For that I do not have the answers, and that's why I'm writing this. I don't have the answers, but together, together we can converse enough, converge enough, to transform our lives as closely into the lives of Christ as we can. Scary? you bet your cute little bottom it is. Worth it? We will never be able to grasp even the the tiniest idea of how undeserving we are of this calling, but it is ours and we must not waste time trying to grasp what we will never reach. I feel my life taking a radical turn, one that will push me into areas I'm terrified to confront. What I envisioned my summer being a few months a go is a far cry from where it's going now. But here's the beauty in it all, Christ is holding my hand the whole way. He's telling me, "it's ok my child, I never promised you the ride wouldn't be rocky, the journey wouldn't be hard, but I did promise to wrap my arms around you the whole way." So I'm wrapping back, and I'd love nothing more than to share that story with you this summer, maybe for many summers to come. Read, don't read, comment, call, laugh, cry, just converse in your head or with others, whatever tickles your fancy. I'm not attempting to be profound with this, I'm not saying anything new, but I am trying this little thing called living radically. I'll leave you with a question I ponder every day...What would your gospel look like?